Travel

Hey Nugget,

Your dad boarded yet another airplane today. I have a very good job but it does require that I spend more time away from home than I'd like. The good news is that all of this travel helps us afford things you need to thrive in 2016. There's the organic foodstuffs, nurtured gently to perfection by left handed yogis. The bedding, woven on Tibetan mountaintops by three blind grandmothers using the same method for over 65 years. And let's not forget your stroller, handmade by Jesus Christ himself.

Yep, it's hard to find anything uniquely American these days. One could argue that you're going to be uniquely American, but your mother has Russian and Irish in her background and I've got handsome and athletic in mine. So I'm no mathmetator (industry term) but you're going to be both 100% born and bred in the U.S.A. as well as 1/8th Russian, 1/8th Irish, 2/3rds Handsome, 92% Athletic, and 4.2L Choctaw Indian.

Pretty crazy, huh? You'll have so many different backgrounds in your DNA that you might just make the perfect assassin, able to move throughout any part of the world without sticking out. Of course, you'll prefer Kung Fu instead of a weapon, should you find yourself in a hot spot. It's been pretty well established that having the ability to say, fly into someone's body and make them implode from the inside like Neo in the Matrix, is really a distant second place to front kicks and palm strikes. The only drawback to relying on Kung Fu is that every bad guy is also an expert. It'll come down to grit, determination, and maybe a well-timed leg sweep. I'm positive you'll do just fine.


But I digress.

Hopefully it'll only be a short period of time after you're born before you get to take your first trip. If it's on a plane let me warn you about a disturbing trend I'm noticing lately. The Federal Aviation Administration has decided that on every flight over 30 minutes in duration there shall be an actual bag of shit sitting near the air intake for the plane. Crew members are expected to move it periodically so you have a few breaks, but basically it'll smell like shit every so often. I don't know what the endgame is but they do NOT miss a flight. So there's that.

Anyway, I should probably let you get back to making elbows and kneecaps out of thin air. Enjoy your time in the womb and if your mom lets me I'm going to hijack the belly buds to introduce you to De La Soul very soon.

As per usual, a bit of advice...

If someone from a cell phone mall kiosk tries to engage you in conversation when you aren't even looking at them you are legally allowed to throat-punch them. You don't have to apologize or anything. Also, don't go to malls.

~ Your Dad