Names

Hey Nugget,

Were you curious about why we call you Nugget right now? Wondering why out of all the NBA teams we settled upon Nugget instead of Piston or Laker? It was weird, but every time we settled upon a name Dikembe Mutombo would show up and swat it out of the way before giving us his famous finger waggle. You can't argue with Mutombo. You can sex Mutombo (Safe for work), but you can't argue with him. You won't be named something dumb. Not in my house.



You have to be very careful with names. People tend to resemble the names they're given. Just look at this all-star list of lacrosse names and see if you can keep your douchebag meter from pinging so hard you'll only hear one long tone.

There are ebbs and flows to names, and I don't mean "flows" like the amazing sleepstyle freestyle "flows" that I'll be dropping on your crying ass like hot fire in the middle of the night come December. No, I mean there are ups and downs to name popularity. Many parents get trigger happy with a popular name in the same year and next thing you know their little Morgan has four classmates with the same name. (Don't worry, parents of a Morgan. In this example the other Morgans are all uglier and dumber than your Morgan.)

They may be good names but they become flashes in the pan very quickly.

It can happen in just about any facet of life. One minute the creators of Jazzercise are on top of the world, making bank every time you slip on some tights and bounce around to Yakety Sax. The next minute they're cry-squatting to Chick Corea in one of the few remaining Jazzercise locations. Hell, I bet at this very moment the "Name a Cloud After Someone" guys are using their last $5 for a hot'n'ready pizza and trying desperately to figure out how else they can leverage clouds.

What I'm saying is you have to be strategic.

Some names should have been blocked at the hospital because they simply aren't names.

"No, you can't add an apostrophe to your child's name. No, if you can't add one why do you think we would allow you to add two?"

"That's just four names mashed together. No." 

"How will anyone ever get the name Lisa out of Lhxiah? Your child would be relentlessly mocked. No."

We're likely a few short months away form the first baby girl named after the eggplant emoticon. It's gotta stop. Not just because the eggplant is widely used as a penis emoticon but because names are important and they stick with you. You want the Jason Bourne of names, not the Remo Williams.

Which is why we tried very hard to think of something for you that could be a little bit unique but fall short of being ridiculous, resulting in death by a million high school nut punches. It wasn't easy and in the short term your awesome mama took to calling you Nugget. We'll whisper your future name to you when nobody is around but in every other situation you'll be called Nugget until you are coaxed out of the womb during your Portuguese water slide birth by our certified scuba doula.

As always, a bit of advice:

A nut-punch is a great way to make fun of someone with a dumb name.

~ Your Dad