They Come In Waves

Hey Nugget,

Another post?

Yes, sometimes they come in waves.

See how I did that? Tied in the title that fast? It's one of the many things your old man is good at. Some of the others are tricking 3yr old children into thinking I've pulled my thumb apart, judging people based on their names, pretending I'm still fast, having bad luck, the robot, adding an "Electric Boogaloo" to the end of any movie sequel with a 2 in the title, hip thrusting, avoiding Tyler Perry movies, leaving sick burns in facebook comments, and creating absurd lists of things I'm good at.

But really what I wanted to talk about is how it's probably time you start thinking about how you'll make your mark on this world. Will you blaze a new trail, making the world a better place? Or will you disappoint your parents and some day become a Jeff Foxworthy fan? It's important to consider and I have some thoughts on the matter.

You're too late to the Earth party to get lucky in real estate. There's nothing good left at this point and nobody in your family is sitting on more than a half acre of land that's mortgaged out the butthole (real estate calculation).

Want to be a juice mogul? Well guess what? The cranberry rep has already raped that village dry (industry phrase) and cranberry is in every juice now. Are you going to find a brand new fruit to juice? In 2016? I don't think so. Acai? Baby please. That's just a foreign blueberry and NObama would have you believe it's here legally when we all know it's a gay terrorist fruit brought here for no other reason than to destroy our core values and way of life. Hashtag Not Hashtag In Hashtag My Hashtag America. #NailedIt

We hope that you'll be athletic. Hell, we anticipate that you'll be athletic. Your mom was a great gymnast and is currently a fantastic stretcher (official yoga ranking) while your dad is literally the best at everything. Don't fact check me, I'm your dad. But please don't get too attached to stupid sports that won't pay you generously should you go pro. I'll buy you badminton paddles and the required child molester shorts they wear, but I wont' like it and neither will the ladies in your life.

That being said, don't think all hope is lost. It's 2016 and pool companies still advertise pools by propping up examples on the side of rural highways. There's a chance, you just have to think it through.

So what about becoming the next big sign mogul?

Currently there's a phenomenon occurring where one type of sign design has taken over certain segments of society.

Have a church?

BOOM! Church sign!

New apartments are finally leasing?

BOOM! Now Leasing Sign!

I mean, get a load of this sign design!!!!

They're everywhere. Get in on the ground floor. (Of the sign business, not the church. Elevation is a racket.)

OK, it's time I leave you to serious business (TWO NOSTRILS) and give you some advice before I go.

When life gives you lemons I would seriously vet those lemons before using them for anything. It's a weird thing to be given for free, lemons, especially out of the blue. Better to slap the lemons out of life's hands, kick life in the nuts, and run away just in case. Zig and zag should there be bullets fired.

~ Your Dad