Preparations

Hey Nugget,

Sorry I haven't checked in for a few days but I've been busy preparing the house for your arrival. We ordered special paint for the walls in your room. It won't be bad for you or your mom to breathe in because during its production they had a team of trancendental meditators send positive thought mantras into the mixture. We have plenty of other things, either picked out or narrowed down for selection, that will complement your existence once you go all Ferris Bueller and breach the fourth vaginal wall (Hat tip: Joe Speaker for that line which is a reworking of one I hesitated to use and, quite frankly, isn't as good. Enjoy the Almost Parent bump, Speaker. Could be tens of people!).

I even got down on my belly and crawled around looking for danger and didn't for one second pretend I was a sniper. Me carrying a broom stick and making "PEW PEW" sounds was a total coincidence. I've bolted everything to the wall and thrown away all of the dangerous vegetables we had in the refrigerator just in case. In case of what, you ask? How about you just pipe down and worry about growing those two nostrils. You hear me, buddy? TWO. NOSTRILS. Very important.

I also have plans to smoke some meat this weekend. But that doesn't really do anything for you beyond make your dad happier. A happy dad is a better dad and even though I don't have to dad too hard right now it's important to get in the right frame of mind. I ate yogurt, berries, and granola for breakfast all week so that I lose a few lbs and won't get winded during my sleepstyle freestyles. 

We picked out an Australian doula to help keep your mom comfortable and calm during your arrival. She comes with the added (assumed) benefit of knowing how to handle herself around crocodiles. That shouldn't come into play but one can never be too sure. Plus it's fun to listen to an Aussie say "no" so I'll be making her do that as much as possible.

There will be plenty of reading up on things as we get closer to your due date.  I need to know how to bathe you without screwing up. How to best swaddle you. How long I can swear in front of you before worrying your first word will be "horseshit". I need to know how to properly brainwash you into loving everything I love while making it seem to your mother that I'm being fair and balanced. You know, the basics.

Well, I have to go work. But as always, a bit of advice:

The later you get to class, the earlier you get to leave.

~ Your Dad