Laundry

Hey Archer,

While I’m gone you may need to step up and handle a few things. For this trip it may be important to focus on laundry. There’s a backload of clothes and towels that need folding as well as quite a bit of dirty things waiting their turn in the wash. Here’s the rub though, some of the things are easy to figure out but some things (YOUR MOM’S THINGS) are often confusing and difficult to handle. So here’s a quick guide to handling laundry.

MY LAUNDRY

1. Lump all whites and colors together in a reasonably sized pile and wash on whatever setting you like. I call this the Great Unifier technique. We’re all in this together, buddy. Dry at surface of the sun temperature.

YOUR MOM’S LAUNDRY     

1. All yoga clothing goes in together and don’t you dare put a towel in there with it. IT’ll BEAD!! It won’t. But god forbid it does because your mom will want all new clothing and have you ever bought anything at Lululemon? No, you haven’t. I know this because you aren’t rich and because you’re a baby with no income. Nothing gets past your old man. Replacing her clothes would bankrupt us. So keep em separate. 
2. Wash on the most delicate setting which, in the case of the very expensive washer your mom made me buy, is called Gentle Whispers. This setting will lightly spritz the clothing with artesian well water while the clothes are slowly tussled. There are many breaks in the tussling where the washer will whisper encouragement to the clothing, saying things like “You can do this. You is strong. You is smart."
3. When the washer has stopped promptly move mom’s clothing to the dryer as to not disrupt the journey. Now is a good time to also reinforce the washer’s words and make sure her clothing knows that they are fully supported during this process. But for god’s sake please whisper.
4. Drying her clothing is a very delicate process. First you turn the dryer on and spread the clothing out without bunching. Then you shut the door and let the dryer use its “Natural Drying” setting to handle things. This allows the dryer to offer nothing more than a safe haven for her clothing while they air dry without the harmful effects of forced air.
5. After approximately 3 times through this cycle the clothes will be still wet. Simply spread each piece of clothing out on top of the dryer and any nearby surface until dry.
6. For all other clothing just separate into these simple piles: Colors, whites, dry clean only, no drying, wash without detergents, don’t wash, hang dry, requires treatment, wash inside out, shake first, purchased before 2000, foreign bought, accidentally reversible, and sentimental pieces.
7. Repeat steps 1-6

Well, buddy, I’m on the road and it’s time to turn in for the night and prepare for my account call in the morning. But before I go, a little advice:

Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still. Especially in West Virginia. Always watch your butthole there. <banjo music>

~ Your Dad