Our great nation is about to transfer power from a role model to a model of everything we don't want you to be. Actually, I'll be on board if you can be rich. That's cool. But otherwise, we'd like you to respect women, people who aren't white, and people who have a different origin story from you. To listen to those with opinions that differ from your own and be willing to see things from their perspective even if it's uncomfortable. Be nice. Apologize when you should and keep your mouth shut when the situation calls for it. It won't be easy, but if we take an honest look at the state of our country during this transition it's more than a little concerning.
But that's our country. How about us, your amazing parents? How are we doing?
As of 1/17/2017 your parents are doing great. Sure, there are times that I look at your mom and think "WHAT THE F$%* ARE YOU DOING?!?!" but I'm sure there are an equal amount of times that your mama looks at me and thinks "Damn if he hasn't crushed it again. He's as amazing as he is handsome!!!"
Guilty as charged, buddy.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it's not easy to be parents. We, literally, have to create you from nothing (nothing but humping...unghhhhh) and nurture you into a tiny human being. Shit can go all sorts of wrong in all sorts of ways. You'll be relying on us to handle things swiftly, effectively, and safely. It takes a steady hand and a clear mind to accomplish this task and I absolutely know I'm up for the challenge. When it comes to your mom, and I'll be completely transparent here on this blog that I know you've read every day since well before you were born, she's more than up for the challenge too. More. Like sometimes she does more and takes things a little farther in her quest for a safe household.
Here's an example...
Allow me to take you back a few months to the early morning hours of a random work day, the wee hours if you will. I woke up to take a leak (a wee!) and noticed your mama was fully awake. That's part of the job, unfortunately. Growing you in her belly, not unlike how scientists are now able to grow you a new nose on your thigh, takes time and comes with many drawbacks. In this case, that drawback is being awake in the middle of the night because you decide to have a dance party.
(Mama won't admit it but I'm 100% sure you were doing the Robot. It's in our blood.)
Well, the morning comes and you two are still sawing logs due to your late night dance party. I'm up so I head out for rations and while I'm gone I receive a text that asks where I am and informs me I wasn't around for something I'm calling "Palmetto Bug-Gate 2016".
If you aren't aware of what a Palmetto Bug is, and you probably aren't because you're a brand new baby, it's basically a roach in the south. They're big and they do look scary. That being said, they aren't shape-shifting death bugs who, at their whimsy, can leap or fly directly at your mouth to give you aids. They're scared of us. They'll hustle for the safety of your walls and molding before you can even light anything on fire.
Most people would just grab a magazine, or if you're under 60, some of those godawful advertisement bundles that won't stop showing up in your mailbox, (Fuck you, RedPlum!) and beat the stupid bug to death.
But your mama is not most people.
There's this product available on the market for all of your hornet and wasp killing needs. Because those beasts are stingers, and because most of us (me included) can be pansies about stinging things, you can fire this spray from up to 25ft and it will kill a hornet or wasp's family quicker than Trump kills democracy. (pound sign and that's quick pound sign did I do this hashed tagged thing right?)
But let's get back to what's important, your lovely mother's response to a Palmetto Bug.
She, animal rescuer and sucker for all living things that aren't jerks, knew she had to kill this thing before it morphed into a human-sized killing machine. You know, every hornet or wasp's destiny. So she ran downstairs to grab something she could kill it with, knowing full well that this harbinger of death would likely capitalize on her absence to set up a trap.
I imagine her frantically slapping away bottles of dishwasher detergent and rarely used things like Bamboo Oil so she could gain access to something that might kill this thing setting up shop in our bathroom. Something in or around the "scorched earth" level of destruction.
Enter Spectracide Wasp and Hornet Killer. Works from 25 ft away and was likely chilling at the very back of our cleaning cabinet underneath the kitchen sink due to its ability to kill things simply by touching them. Please enjoy this picture of said spray lounging with a friend in a sweet SoHo loft.
Now she has a weapon with which to take out this demon of the bug world and it's on like Donkey Kong.
Imagine, if you will, a window in any given room. It's standard window height and probably 4ft by 4ft. It has a little handle to spin that opens the window out into the world, which I'm sure has a specific name but I can't be bothered. But anyway, keep this type of window in mind:
Now imagine your mama as she stands 15ft away and burns three quarters of a can trying to kill the single bug on the window sill. She doused the entire set of blinds, the wall below, and the floor from the wall back to her firing position.
Of course the bug died. Maybe not even from the chemicals as much as it probably drowned in the sea of Spectracide your mom unleashed. Now your dad has to clean everything up because those sprays have harmful chemicals your mama can't be in contact with. It took 30 minutes to clean and almost 12 hours later I'm still a little annoyed by it.
But the good news?
You'll never feel like we didn't try hard enough. And before I go, a piece of advice:
It's said that a dead bee makes no honey. But if you don't particularly like honey or bee stings it definitely sounds like a win win to kill that bee.
~ Your Dad
No comments:
Post a Comment