The Early Years

Hey Archer,

I've been thinking a lot about how little you'll remember from this time in your brand new life. Hell, even we'll start to lose our memories of these first few months as you get older, more interactive, and your mom and me start our gradual decline toward dementia.

Sad, right?

But maybe it's not all sad. I mean, maybe it's for the best that you won't really have any memories about your grand entrance and the subsequent months/years.

Take, for example, your first experience outside of the womb. You went form chilling out in the only environment you'd ever known to being unceremoniously yanked out by weird looking giants. It was crazy bright and everyone you first laid eyes upon was covered in blood due to the c-section.

You wouldn't have known, because you haven't lived long enough, but there will come a point where if giant strangers came crashing through your bedroom walls in the middle of the night with spotlights to pull you (naked) out of your cozy confines and into a new, strange world you'd be pretty fucked up over it.

And I don't even think that's the weirdest thing you endure during these first few years.

Thank god you won't remember what it's like to get your diaper changed, butt-paste applied, and all your nooks and crannies cleaned. I mean, think about it...Every three hours or so a thing 5x your size takes you from slumber or a warm embrace so they can basically attack your genitals with wipes and ointments.

And all the while these giants are smiling and analyzing your body for changes.

Creepy.

I honestly believe that the reason we can't remember these years are because if we did it would completely fuck up the rest of our lives.

Gotta run, but before I go here's a bit of advice:

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. And also because you bet two dimes on the winner at +250.

~ Dad