How I Know That 794 Isn't A Working Area Code

Hey Archer,

Did you know that 794 is not a valid area code? Yeah, me neither. Turns out that's a good thing. I'll explain...

You were born a boy, and boys have, barring some sort of cruel DNA joke, boy parts. That means your pleasure center™ is an outie. If you were a girl you'd have an innie as well as a dual purpose outie. That last part is a more in depth discussion for a few years from now but all you have to know now is that when you have your Pleasure Center™ fully on the outside there's this thing your mom and dad have to decide on, called circumcision.

Circumcision is a procedure that, in terms you may understand, takes that really long sleeve on your elephant pajamas and cuts it back so your gigantic arm can more easily make it out of the sleeve. It cuts back on your arm getting stuck in the sleeve and allows you to show off your Popeye-like forearms without hassle. Your arm won't get as many infections and you won't look different from your dad. You know, should you someday walk in on your mom and I wrestling and accidentally see something.

Does that make sense?

Well it will someday, but that's just the backstory to the story.

We got you circumcised and it was our first time taking you out of the house except for a couple checkups with your pediatrician. She's a great doctor and understands that you're a newborn and susceptible to scary viruses or bacteria until you get a little older. Thus she schedules your appointments first thing in the morning and we get invited back to the exam room almost immediately, which is important. For the first 30 days of your life we needed to keep you away from anything that could give you a fever. If a fever occurred we would have had to bring you in to the hospital for a spinal tap due to scary complications of even scarier conditions.

The place we brought you for your circumcision was, well, let's just say it was like taking you into a house from the TV show Hoarders.

Little kids were running around without parental attention being paid, messing with the visibly dirty toys meant to help keep these disgusting little rugrats busy while Obama personally calls in to add $90 to your copay and inform the staff where you keep your guns. You, being the most beautiful and precious thing currently on planet earth, were in danger of catching something from these scrubs (don't go chasing waterfalls) and wouldn't you know it took 45 minutes of exposure before we got called back. So gross.

Once back your mom politely refused to go watch the procedure. I, on the other hand, am a more curious and tolerable soul when it comes to this stuff and happily went back with you. Not four seconds after walking in the room I was posed with my first solo parental decision that could have led to decades of conflict between your mom and I.

I have barely shut the door to the procedure room when the doc turns to me, holding up what looks like a Dum Dum brand sucker, and says "OK if I give him a sucker?"

(OK, so full disclosure here...Your mom has two faces when it comes to food stuffs. Her main face is the beautiful one you're used to seeing and it appreciates anything organic or sustainable. If it was blessed by a shaman or has a yoga pose on the packaging than all the better. Her other face is triggered by meat or anything your dad likes and IT. IS. SCAAAARRRRRY.

Zero to sixty, buddy. There's no in between.

So just know that suckers at the tender age of 15 days old fall into that second category. It may surprise you that I actually feel mostly the same way, though I am much more willing to let a medical professional do what all of the world's evidence suggests is the best thing in the moment. That being said, this seemed a bit unnecessary.)

I chuckle at first, thinking he's joking. Then I realize he isn't but figure he's interested in giving something for pain (maybe?) that is just in sucker form but is really just very helpful or important medication.

After I chuckle I say that I don't think your mom would be happy about it and he says that it works like a sedative. I still decide to decline because I do believe there's no need for you to have sugar for sedation when they plan on sticking you with needles to numb the whole area of concern.

He tells me it's no problem and starts prepping. It's at this moment that a nurse walks in to assist and, seeing that you have no sucker in your mouth, immediately grabs the sucker and starts to put it in your mouth. Both the doctor and I catch her in time and your CMO diet (Chest Milk Only) is intact for another day.

The doc does his thing and you scream like a little bitch. Ha! Just kidding, you definitely screamed but it was for good reason and there isn't a guy on this planet, save for Kanye West, who isn't man enough to admit he'd have probably cried too.

We get done and the doc gives his instructions for care and what we should look out for. He says we can call him or text him pictures if there's anything we have concerns about.

As it turns out, we did end up having concerns about how things looked and I took to my phone to text a picture to the doctor. Because I'll get flagged by some douchebag if I post the picture I actually took, here's an exact rendering, to scale, of what I sent.

I asked if what I was looking at was normal, expecting to get a text back saying that it absolutely was and I shouldn't worry. Instead, I looked down at the message I'd just sent and noticed I fat-fingered a 9 in place of a 0.

PANIC SET IN!!!

I began frantically typing out an apology and a follow up text using a little humor to hopefully diffuse the situation before some offended person turned me in for trafficking child porn.

Then my phone dinged and I thought, "Well, here it is. I'm either going to get an understanding person or an offended person" and I was overwhelmed with relief to see a text bouncing back mine as not deliverable because 794 isn't a valid area code.

So that's the story about how your junk is totally normal and I almost went to jail before learning that 794 isn't a working area code.

Before I go, a little advice:


They say you should measure twice and cut once but I'd like to change that to check twice and send once when it comes to pics of any baby dicks.

~ Your Dad