Cauliflower

Hey Archer,

This morning you made me very proud. It happened during breakfast.

You had your normal kind of meal, a 2-egg omelette with asparagus and spinach plus a whole banana on the side. When you signaled for more food after you were finished, I figured I'd give you some of the roasted cauliflower left over from fondue night. After all, you do pretty much eat anything. But with this, you took one bite and then frantically signed that you were all done as you spit it all back out.

This was the day that you truly became my son.

Listen, I'm with you on cauliflower. I don't want to eat it either. I don't even want to smell it. The problem, of course, is that you're going to grow up in a world where someone might try to serve you cauliflower and it won't be ok for you to slap it out of their hands. In fact, because you won't be taught to be a douchebag you're going to have to eat that cauliflower with a smile on your face occasionally. Smiling doesn't make it taste any less like a hot diaper but your dinner host won't be offended. So you'll have that going for you, which is nice.

As your life sensei, I will teach you the art of avoiding disgusting foods. You will become proficient at deflecting/redirecting through humor, improvising food allergies, and disappearing unwanted solids down your shirt sleeve like a goddamn magician.

But until that magical day where you're old enough to make your own choices about what does or does not taste like an NYC garbage water puddle, we're going to feed you everything. Especially the healthy stuff. It's the one portion of your life where you're fucked about what's for dinner. We have been, and will continue, feeding you all of the fruits, vegetables, and non-meat proteins we can find. You'll get to meat eventually, but for your first few years your menu is going to look like it was curated by hippies on a commune.

Chia seed is good for your soul, man. The government doesn't want you to know the power of superfoods. It's a conspiracy like how GMO's were behind the twin towers, man. Did you know that plum skins have more protein than an 84oz steak? Or that acorn milk is more effective than chemo for most cancers, man? Here, try this free range cauliflower...

There are things all of humanity can agree on like world peace, clean drinking water for all, and a ramen noodle fountain in every home (beef only). But when it comes to food there is far less agreement about what is or isn't delicious, or even edible for that matter. We plan to set the plate (pun intended) for you to begin life as the healthiest eater possible. We want you to try all sorts of things. Eventually you'll develop your own ideas about what you like and what you really, really dislike. Hell, one of these days we'll make fun of the same disgusting foods together. Your mom is going to hate it, but we'll win her over by beating it into the ground.

Here are a few of my dislikes. Should you some day find yourself hating the same foods as me I'm guessing we'll probably start with a chest bump and then somehow end up executing a theretofore, and unbeknownst to either of us, super complicated handshake. Mom will hate that too.

Anyhow...

Broccoli - Broccoli can go fuck itself. Its disgusting taste is one thing, but it's broccoli's cancer-like design that really sucks. Put broccoli in one side of the dish and HEY GUESS WHAT FUCK YOU BROCCOLI IS EVERYWHERE NOW ENJOY A COUPLE BROCCOLI TREE GRENADES IN EVERY BITE!

It also smells extra gross when being steamed, which leads me to another vegetable...

Cauliflower - This is just broccoli's bald, albino cousin. Now that it's bald it won't be dropping any cauliflower turds throughout your dinner, but it will smell like turd when you cook it. So you'd have that going for you, which is not nice.

Mustard - There's something seriously wrong with your tastebuds if you can enjoy mustard. You don't eat a sandwich with mustard. Once you put mustard on your sandwich it's a mustard sandwich. I can immediately taste the tiniest drip of accidental mustard on something I'm eating. So if you're telling me that if you slather an entire side of bread with a thick layer of mustard you can taste anything else on your mustard sandwich I'll show you the door and you can follow your mustard right out of it.

Blue Cheese Dressing - First, it's blue because it's gone bad. Don't eat it, it's rotten. Also, it's stinky and why wouldn't you want something that smells like creamy dumpster on your salad? A sane person wouldn't, but somehow there are common sense-defying people out there that love it. If you meet any of those people in public just watch and I will guarantee you something. They will ALWAYS order a second dressing. One is never enough for these psychos.

Look, this list could go on forever. We have plenty of time to discuss these things. I'll bide my time until you're old enough to have a thoughtful conversation about it. In the meantime I'd like to apologize in advance for the many disgusting things your mom is going to feed you and that, because I'm a savvy adult, I'll just be pretending to eat along with you.

Mmmm, yeah buddy, this "pizza" made out of cauliflower crust and soy-roni is delicious huh? What? No, I ate mine while I was in the living room grabbing something. No, a couple minutes ago. Seriously. Yeah, that DOES look like a cauliflower pizza on the floor by the couch but I assure you it isn't. No, it isn't a pile of "spaghetti" made out of zucchini from last night either. What, you don't trust your old man? Huh? Why am I now eating a full plate of meat that seemed to appear from out of nowhere when I am claiming I already ate a whole cauliflower "pizza"? Shuddup and eat your dinner.