It's been two weeks already. Can you believe it? It's crazy. Things seem to be going smoothly but I have nothing to base this claim on. These two weeks have been both my introduction to and my entire experience with having a baby. Everyone you speak with has their two cents to give. Even those who understand you have to find out what works best for you will follow that sentiment up with some advice. It's cool though, I appreciate advice and am happy to take bits and pieces of those ideas with me as I raise you.
But nobody tells you about Howitzer Butt.
Oh, they'll tell you that you're going to get peed on or that you'll get poop on you. That you'll become oddly cool with it. That it's different when it's your baby. Won't mind it at all. But that's all they tell you. Perhaps they want you to enjoy the same surprise they experienced the first time a poop mortar was randomly fired out of your baby's butt.
It wasn't always like this. You know, going all the way back a couple weeks to the hospital. There you liked to turn the faucet back on while you were getting a change. Faucet number two, that is. Sure, you peed during changing as well, but I was surprised by the ease with which you turned faucet #2 back on. It gave me a fast lesson in diaper change management. I already knew to block the wang (medical term) with something in case you pee, but this was new and important information.
Especially when, days after we got you home, it wasn't a faucet turning back on unexpectedly but a poop shot across the bows of your changing table while mama had you mid-change. The look on her face was priceless. I was walking in to bring wipes or something, maybe just to check in on the process when it happened and her response, involuntarily, was basically this...
But nobody tells you about Howitzer Butt.
Oh, they'll tell you that you're going to get peed on or that you'll get poop on you. That you'll become oddly cool with it. That it's different when it's your baby. Won't mind it at all. But that's all they tell you. Perhaps they want you to enjoy the same surprise they experienced the first time a poop mortar was randomly fired out of your baby's butt.
It wasn't always like this. You know, going all the way back a couple weeks to the hospital. There you liked to turn the faucet back on while you were getting a change. Faucet number two, that is. Sure, you peed during changing as well, but I was surprised by the ease with which you turned faucet #2 back on. It gave me a fast lesson in diaper change management. I already knew to block the wang (medical term) with something in case you pee, but this was new and important information.
Especially when, days after we got you home, it wasn't a faucet turning back on unexpectedly but a poop shot across the bows of your changing table while mama had you mid-change. The look on her face was priceless. I was walking in to bring wipes or something, maybe just to check in on the process when it happened and her response, involuntarily, was basically this...
That's from a hilarious Spiderman knockoff that I urge you to watch right now.
But back to Howitzer Butt...
You gave us the warning shot and now we know. Your butt can't be trusted. There seems to be only three settings to your butt.
- Howitzer Poops
- 50 cal Farts
- R&R
While I still don't feel like a grizzled veteran of this parenting thing I'm going to chalk this one up as an early victory. I feel like I'm almost there.
That's all for now, buddy. But before I go, a word of advice...
Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will. No Doubt, on the other hand, has hardly ever killed anything. Supposedly just a couple roadies.
~ Your Dad
Bob, you are hysterical!! Please keep it up...
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