With your hospital induced labor a mere week away your mama was quite worried about needing drugs to induce your arrival. I don't blame her. While I'm the first in line to defend pharmaceutical companies or doctors when people blame them for every societal problem even remotely related to medicine, I also understand and appreciate that things can and probably should occur naturally sometimes.
Enter the Poor Man's Guide to Inducing Labor Naturally.
Step 1: Do your internet and anecdotal-based research.
Does the website naturalmoms4change.org tell you that eating pineapple will absolutely induce labor? Take notes, buy pineapple, prepare for a baby.
Have you any friends who swear that they gave birth eleven seconds after eating a chalupa left-handed? Well then, put down that coffee (Coffee's for closers!) and get thee to a taco bell ASAP! Buy a chalupa, free your left hand for the chalupa, aim your crotch somewhere a baby could safely land, eat said chalupa, kiss your brand new baby.
(Pro Tip: Always carry scissors late in pregnancy in case you find yourself in need of cutting the cord at a Taco Bell. Double Pro Tip: Never run with those scissors)
Step 2: Agree with your wife
She probably has many reasons for wanting that baby out of her stomach-house (medical term) and if she decides that the way to induce her labor is by letting her slap you across the face with bologna then smile and make your first midnight bologna run since college. If you've made late night bologna runs since college I'd like to introduce you to Sally Struthers. Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. Now go do it and step your game up to some capicola today!
Did you burp real loud before your water broke? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN IT!!!
Step 4: Tell everyone that it's the only thing that worked
Be an insufferable know-it-all about the only tried and true technique to induce labor.
~
Speaking of natural induction methods, here are a few things we tried. Spoiler Alert: None of them worked...
- Pineapple - We ate the shit out of some pineapple. We chose Costa Rican pineapple because it's delicious and because we traveled there recently and now fancy ourselves pineapple experts. Didn't work but was delicious
- Spicy Food - We ate Mexican food, I added hot sauce and hot paprika to things, and any time I had a chance to bring the heat I did it. Also delicious, and also didn't work. But speaking of bringing the heat...
- Lots of Sex - Turns out that having sex is a great way to induce labor. The theory is, and this is an honest to god thing, you need to have it at least three times because the cervix requires that much sperm. I have no idea how this was "proven" but if you're looking for a job and the ability to afford capicola perhaps you should look into sperm research!
- Raspberry Tea - This one is dumb. Didn't work.
- Acupuncture/Chiropractor/Pressure Points - Are you looking for the most expensive way to not induce labor? Then may I introduce you to constant acupuncture and chiropractor appointments. The hip bone's connected to the, knee bone. The knee bone's connected to the, elbone (medical term). The elbone's connected to the, wallet...
Before I go, a little advice...
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react, 23% hard to shoulder bullshit, 3% pleasant surprises, 79% work, 31% delicious meats and cheeses, 17% alcohol, and, if you're doing it right, it'll all add up to be 100% amazing.
~ Your Dad
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