"Natural Induction" Strategies

Hey Archer

With your hospital induced labor a mere week away your mama was quite worried about needing drugs to induce your arrival. I don't blame her. While I'm the first in line to defend pharmaceutical companies or doctors when people blame them for every societal problem even remotely related to medicine, I also understand and appreciate that things can and probably should occur naturally sometimes.

Enter the Poor Man's Guide to Inducing Labor Naturally.

Step 1: Do your internet and anecdotal-based research.

Does the website naturalmoms4change.org tell you that eating pineapple will absolutely induce labor? Take notes, buy pineapple, prepare for a baby.

Have you any friends who swear that they gave birth eleven seconds after eating a chalupa left-handed? Well then, put down that coffee (Coffee's for closers!) and get thee to a taco bell ASAP! Buy a chalupa, free your left hand for the chalupa, aim your crotch somewhere a baby could safely land, eat said chalupa, kiss your brand new baby.

(Pro Tip: Always carry scissors late in pregnancy in case you find yourself in need of cutting the cord at a Taco Bell. Double Pro Tip: Never run with those scissors)

Step 2: Agree with your wife

She probably has many reasons for wanting that baby out of her stomach-house (medical term) and if she decides that the way to induce her labor is by letting her slap you across the face with bologna then smile and make your first midnight bologna run since college. If you've made late night bologna runs since college I'd like to introduce you to Sally Struthers. Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. Now go do it and step your game up to some capicola today!

Step 3: Credit whatever happened the moment before birth as what induced labor

Did you burp real loud before your water broke? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN IT!!!

Step 4: Tell everyone that it's the only thing that worked

Be an insufferable know-it-all about the only tried and true technique to induce labor.

~

Speaking of natural induction methods, here are a few things we tried. Spoiler Alert: None of them worked...

• Pineapple - We ate the shit out of some pineapple. We chose Costa Rican pineapple because it's delicious and because we traveled there recently and now fancy ourselves pineapple experts. Didn't work but was delicious
• Spicy Food - We ate Mexican food, I added hot sauce and hot paprika to things, and any time I had a chance to bring the heat I did it. Also delicious, and also didn't work. But speaking of bringing the heat...
• Lots of Sex - Turns out that having sex is a great way to induce labor. The theory is, and this is an honest to god thing, you need to have it at least three times because the cervix requires that much sperm. I have no idea how this was "proven" but if you're looking for a job and the ability to afford capicola perhaps you should look into sperm research!
• Raspberry Tea - This one is dumb. Didn't work.
• Acupuncture/Chiropractor/Pressure Points - Are you looking for the most expensive way to not induce labor? Then may I introduce you to constant acupuncture and chiropractor appointments. The hip bone's connected to the, knee bone. The knee bone's connected to the, elbone (medical term). The elbone's connected to the, wallet...

Long story short, sometimes you can't do a damn thing to induce your own labor. Nothing will go to plan and you'll never have enough money. Ugh, I think I need to make a bologna run...

Before I go, a little advice...

Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react, 23% hard to shoulder bullshit, 3% pleasant surprises, 79% work, 31% delicious meats and cheeses, 17% alcohol, and, if you're doing it right, it'll all add up to be 100% amazing.

~ Your Dad

All the feelings

Sweet nugget, you have been here for ten days now. I knew I would love you, but I just wasn't prepared for all of the feelings. I am all at once smitten and proud and protective and oh my god, look at those toes! You are easily the most perfect thing I've ever witnessed. Your journey into this side of my belly was no less dramatic than your journey into the womb.

I had a lovely birth plan, a doula, and every confidence that I could and would do this birth thing as naturally as possible. My original plan was to have you at the birth center. Midwives, a big tub to labor in, essential oils diffusing, calming music playing, no drugs. You know, just like I was supposed to get pregnant immediately after your daddy and I got married and usher you into the world 9 months later. Right. I have no idea why I didn't accept from day one that I had zero control over this story.

Lesson in non-attachment: check.

The birthing center wasn't an option. Mama is more mature than your average first time mom. Whatever. Mama is old. I'm 41 (soon to be 42) and this number freaks insurance people out. So, plan B! Are you amused at my plan making yet? So so funny. The partner OB/GYN office for the birthing  center was recommended to me, and I thought this would be a good alternative. Surely, they would be on board for all my hippy dippy visions of my birth experience. I went and met my doctor very early in my pregnancy and she was lovely. On board, indeed.

As we approached your due date, sweet doctor suggested we have an induction date, just in case. At my age (so very old), complications are much greater with each passing week, so getting you out by your due date was her goal. Mine was to naturally induce labor before that induction date. I'll spare you the details on that. We know how my track record is with the plans.

(Dad Interruption: See this post for my in-depth analysis of natural induction techniques)

We check into the hospital the evening of the induction date, and buckle in for the ride to come. They're going to apply some medicine to my very stubborn cervix, which hasn't dilated really at all, and that should get things rolling. It does actually cause contractions to start, but after many hours, we discover that it's done actually nothing in the way of labor progression. Step 2: manually dilate the cervix. Again, I will spare you the details. You can google it when you're older, or whatever the equivalent thing will be in your crazy technological future. The basic gist is: ouch ouch ouch! and fine, it worked, somewhat. 3cm dilated and serious contractions and now sweet doctor breaks my water. Which, by the way, is an obscene amount of fluid. Seriously, did you order the Olympic sized swimming womb?

Really serious for real contractions at this point! Sweet doctor is now way done with her 24 hour shift at the hospital. Now her partners will be finishing this job. Strangers (though very kind and clearly capable ones) have entered my very much adjusted birth plan. This is a trend one must become very comfortable with, by the way. The amount of strangers who would ultimately see my ladythangs hit record numbers in just a few short days.

After some serious labor that had me doubting my ability to do this without many drugs, hubby calls the doula in. She was bathed in light and goodness when she entered. I don't know what I'd have done without her. She really did calm me, get me into positions to labor in that helped tremendously, helped me breathe, and made me believe again, that yes, I could indeed do this without pain meds. After a couple of hours, the very nice partner doctor entered the room to see how things were progressing. I HAD to be really dilated by now. Contractions were strong and very close together and if this were a movie, we'd be long into the pushing phase by now.

Instead of announcing that we were ready for pushing, he said something to the nurse I didn't quite get, then calmly but firmly, told me that things would move very quickly now. The cord was in a position of prolapse, which basically means that it was between your sweet head and my stubborn cervix. So, every time I had a contraction, the cord was being pushed toward the opening cervix and squished by your head. It's a good thing that cervix was so stubborn, because it still wasn't open enough to let cord through, which would have been a serious scary emergency. As it was, we had only a mildly scary emergency.

New plan (non-negotiable, I had no say in it): emergency c-section. The bad news? This was not the birth experience I ordered. The good news? All I could really think about was making sure you were ok and getting you into my arms as quickly as possible. I didn't care at all about the plan anymore.

You were staring into my eyes just minutes later. Perfect and alert and loudly announcing your presence into the world. You needed a little help getting your lungs clear, but you're a strong little man and you were brought to me while I was still in recovery, your lungs pumping like a champ and so very hungry. You've been so hungry since, and you are growing and changing already, every single day.

As you lie in your bassinet next to me, I can't help but be overwhelmed with the love I feel for you. I'm so grateful that you're mine. I could not dictate your story, though I sure did try. As you grow and become the man you will be, I'm sure I will fight that same struggle of wanting more of a say in your narrative, more influence in the decisions you make. I will do my best to remember that you have your own story to tell. I will teach you all that I can and try to help you to make good decisions, but in the end, you will be the author of your own life. I'm so excited to watch it unfold. Welcome to the world, Archer. You are so loved.

Love, Mama

YESSSSSSS!!!!

TWO. NOSTRILS.

Welcome to the world, Archer. Posts to follow once the whirlwind dies down.

Imminent Arrival

We are officially in single digit countdown days to your arrival. It's hard to imagine that before we know it, you will be snuggling with us out here in the real world, and yet it's already impossible to imagine a world before you. Our lives have been a steady stream of baby preparations, and I think your daddy is nesting even more than I am. He is currently building you a dresser/changing table (the chances of this project being done before you're born are ummm a little on the lowish side) and he has been helping to make your little world so special. Your closet. Seriously, it's better than mine.

He has agreed to, and participated in all of the shopping required for your needs and my wants. This is a big deal. You will learn when you are a little older that mama is the one to go to when you want to splurge on something. I am quite proud that I found your rocking/bouncy seat for a deal though! This is what I will use to counteract his arguments that you don't need another pair of shoes you can't even walk in (have you seen baby shoes? how do you NOT need more baby shoes?) or another decorative and clever thing to hang in your nursery. 

My plan was to have my hospital bag packed by the end of the weekend, but it's not quite ready. It's much more difficult than packing for a weekend away. How can I really know what I'll need when I'm packing for a new life? What if you are too chunky to fit in those sweet little newborn onesies? I realize I won't look and feel too much different than my current state of enormously pregnant right after you're born (which is totally unfair, btw), but will I have more than 2 garments that actually cover this belly? Luckily, we live very near the hospital, and daddy is sweet enough to come back to the house and get anything we need, so that's likely adding to my procrastination.

Still to do:

• Car seat installation (using actual directions, unlike your daddy's first attempt to "wing it", resulting in a hot mess
• gallery wall installation in your nursery
• light hung in nursery*
• Getting you into this world (preferably without being induced because mama no likey all that nonsense. we've had enough help getting you in there, it's your turn to pull your weight, sweet boy)!

This may be the final pre-birth post from me here. I am just beyond anxious excited overjoyed to meet you face to face. We have had such a great time these past 9+ months, I've been so fortunate to feel so well throughout, bonding with you through every kick and hiccup (so many hiccups!). I am ready to share you with the world, and especially with daddy. You've already made us the most proud parents ever.

Love,

Mama

*Once those final touches are in, including your amazing rug, I will post pictures here.

Hearing

Hey Nugget,

All of the baby development books claim that you can hear while you're in there. Not in your first few months, of course. You were still pretty much a blob back then. But now you're basically a fully formed baby. We couldn't be happier with how things have gone during your time in the womb, by the way. Don't think we haven't noticed your two glorious nostrils. Well done, buddy.

But as far as hearing goes, the science says you can hear your mama's voice, maybe mine too. With that in mind I feel like there's something I should let you know about just in case you heard more than we think today.

The world isn't ending just as you're set to make your debut, though it may have sounded that way. You see, we have something called a President. The President leads our country and helps to shape how we experience it. They're always male because of our bigger brains. It's science. Also they've almost always been white, but that's for another conversation.

Anyway, we get two candidates with differing opinions on how to be a good President and then we vote on who we like. This time around there was one candidate who said a lot of nasty things. Nasty things about women, about people of color, about veterans. Really he said nasty things about almost every type of person. He didn't have any experience for this very important job and every time you thought he couldn't get any worse he somehow managed to get worse.

Well, he ended up winning the election and now he gets to be President. Your mama and I are extremely disappointed and considerably worried about whether or not he will run our country the way he ran his campaign. I think I speak for both of us when I say that no matter what happens, and hopefully he ends up doing a serviceable job, we'll work our butts off to make sure that you have a good life regardless.

Here are a partial list of things we will do:

We'll smush on your face and tell you we love you.
We'll give you smooches and make sure you know that we have your back.
We'll pick you up when you fall down.
We'll teach you to be kind to and respectful of others.
We'll teach you that it's called a raspberry and not a zerbert.
We'll give you raspberries.
We'll (I'll) blame farts on you.
We'll fake you out with airplane noises and make you eat gross but healthy food.
We'll teach you math using finger counting like in Stand and Deliver.


We'll trick you with very obvious magic until you get old enough to know better.
We'll try our best to make you love what we love.
We'll (I'll) make you love 90's rap.
We'll shave any Bieber hair you try to grow.
We'll enforce a very strict No Douchebag policy.
We'll (I'll) teach you the keys to UBM (Unexpected Boner Management)
We'll screw some things up but apologize profusely with hugs and kisses.

You can count on us, buddy. So don't listen to the hate. We got this.

Now before I go, a quick word of advice:

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Then close that door so a window will open. Climb out the window unless it's on a second or third floor. Once outside, look for opportunity. Realize it isn't there in Trump's America because you're 1/16th Comanche Indian. Sneak back in and never speak of this again.

~ Your Dad

(Full disclosure: We have no Comanche blood in our lines and I really am trying to stay optimistic about Trump despite the jokes)

Real Getting

Shit is getting real, nugget. How do I know? Laundry.

We're less a month away from your due date but you seem intent on growing faster than planned. I can tell you're impatient and that's normal. You inherited that trait from both of us. Nobody likes to wait but I'd just ask that you hold on long enough to let me finish my work travel and not leave your mama freaking out because I'm at a VA Hospital in Biloxi when she goes into labor. Can I get your word on that, buddy?

Thanks.

Mama couldn't work with the metal shelves in your closet so I was tasked with making some new ones out of wood and brawn. I think you'll like them and I'm quite proud of the job I did. Building is not my chosen profession but as it turns out I can turn an above average wrench. I've built our dining room table, the entertainment center/dog crate, a small set of drawers for my office, and soon I'll have a dresser built for your room. I'm just as surprised as anyone else at how good it all came out and the side effects of building things (increased testosterone production, testicle fortitude, arm hair growth, and hands callused enough to open beers without even really trying) have been well received. 

We've only got a few more big things to get and then we'll be ready to usher you into this world and do our best to not let you grow up to be a douchebag.

I like our chances.

Well, as is my life these days I need to go catch a flight. But before I do, a bit of advice...

The future depends on what we do in the present. Remember that when you're hitting puberty and thinking we have no idea why you go through so many tube socks.

~ Your Dad

Growing a good man

Hey, sweet nugget! It's been a productive few weeks, and you are so big! You now have a stroller (thanks, Nana!), a painted nursery and a crib, but we have a lot to do before your grand entrance into the world. Your daddy and I are doing our best to prepare, but I'm not sure we ever will be ready. Your daddy is fixing your closet up so we can get all your adorable stuff organized (down with wire shelving!), and he is even building you a dresser. We spent all day in a class to learn what to expect during your delivery. We went through all the stages of labor, the myriad of things out of our control, and what we can do to cope with the whole birthing process. The only sure thing I came away with is that I'm more excited than ever to meet you.

I also had pictures taken this week, so I never forget how special having you in my (very big) belly is. One day, I'll show you those pictures and explain that you were once that tiny little baby inside me, just 6 weeks from being born. One of the things I look the most forward to is explaining things about the world to you. I certainly don't know everything, and I won't always be right, but if I can instill in you some basic goodness and empathy, I'll have done my job.

Right now, we are weeks away from a presidential election that has been really controversial. I've been involved in some heated discussions about the candidates and the basic ideas of right vs wrong. People have been offended, have taken a stand for things I can't really comprehend, and have dismissed horrible behavior just to hold their position. I'm probably more involved than I usually would be, because the thought of you coming into this world while our country is being represented by someone who has expressed, almost exclusively, ideas of divisiveness and hatred is too upsetting. I want more for you. It's so important to me that you learn to stand for what is right, even if inconvenient. I'm determined to make sure you know that being a good man means you help to empower and support others. You will meet people in this world who think it's ok to gain advantages by making others feel smaller. My hope for you is that you will be better and do better than that. You will realize for yourself when you are older, that the most enjoyable people to be around are those who lift others up and who bring their own unique flavor of joy that they spread. Raising someone who is capable of being that kind of human is very important to me. It's a big responsibility and I don't take it lightly. You are my most important job in the world. I will make mistakes along the way, but I will always love you and do my very best.

Love, Mama