Hearing

Hey Nugget,

All of the baby development books claim that you can hear while you're in there. Not in your first few months, of course. You were still pretty much a blob back then. But now you're basically a fully formed baby. We couldn't be happier with how things have gone during your time in the womb, by the way. Don't think we haven't noticed your two glorious nostrils. Well done, buddy.

But as far as hearing goes, the science says you can hear your mama's voice, maybe mine too. With that in mind I feel like there's something I should let you know about just in case you heard more than we think today.

The world isn't ending just as you're set to make your debut, though it may have sounded that way. You see, we have something called a President. The President leads our country and helps to shape how we experience it. They're always male because of our bigger brains. It's science. Also they've almost always been white, but that's for another conversation.

Anyway, we get two candidates with differing opinions on how to be a good President and then we vote on who we like. This time around there was one candidate who said a lot of nasty things. Nasty things about women, about people of color, about veterans. Really he said nasty things about almost every type of person. He didn't have any experience for this very important job and every time you thought he couldn't get any worse he somehow managed to get worse.

Well, he ended up winning the election and now he gets to be President. Your mama and I are extremely disappointed and considerably worried about whether or not he will run our country the way he ran his campaign. I think I speak for both of us when I say that no matter what happens, and hopefully he ends up doing a serviceable job, we'll work our butts off to make sure that you have a good life regardless.

Here are a partial list of things we will do:

We'll smush on your face and tell you we love you.
We'll give you smooches and make sure you know that we have your back.
We'll pick you up when you fall down.
We'll teach you to be kind to and respectful of others.
We'll teach you that it's called a raspberry and not a zerbert.
We'll give you raspberries.
We'll (I'll) blame farts on you.
We'll fake you out with airplane noises and make you eat gross but healthy food.
We'll teach you math using finger counting like in Stand and Deliver.


We'll trick you with very obvious magic until you get old enough to know better.
We'll try our best to make you love what we love.
We'll (I'll) make you love 90's rap.
We'll shave any Bieber hair you try to grow.
We'll enforce a very strict No Douchebag policy.
We'll (I'll) teach you the keys to UBM (Unexpected Boner Management)
We'll screw some things up but apologize profusely with hugs and kisses.

You can count on us, buddy. So don't listen to the hate. We got this.

Now before I go, a quick word of advice:

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Then close that door so a window will open. Climb out the window unless it's on a second or third floor. Once outside, look for opportunity. Realize it isn't there in Trump's America because you're 1/16th Comanche Indian. Sneak back in and never speak of this again.

~ Your Dad

(Full disclosure: We have no Comanche blood in our lines and I really am trying to stay optimistic about Trump despite the jokes)